How to Survive the Apocalypse

With the end of the world seemingly eminent, here are some scientifically-proven, expert, research-informed ways to get yourself through:

23 March, 2020

With the end of the world seemingly eminent, here are some scientifically-proven, expert, research-informed ways to get yourself through:

  1. Ignore all advice and STOCKPILE SO YOU DON’T STARVE! C’mon stop being a martyr and get those cans of baked beans and cadbury bars. Especially remember the avos on toast (Aucklanders only).

  2. Forget the gym and do some Just Dance. Make sure to include That’s What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction in your dance party. Ignore the cursing and muttering from the flat below you. If they come knocking, be sure to hastily scribble a sign saying SELF-ISOLATING and cough twice as they approach. They’ll be sure not to risk confronting you so grab your imaginary lasso and blast out the next track on your playlist: Gangnam Style.

  3. Don’t sleep in. Set that alarm for 4am to beat the crowds to the local supermarket. Make sure to look like a teacher at the end of term so that you pass as an over 70 year old.

  4. Lather your hands in moisturising cream since you’ve spent the last week hand-sanitising after interacting with every single object (except your phone...duh!)

  5. Stockpile some more. No need to rush though because there will always be supplies of Oxtail soup left on the shelves. Vegetarians. I guess you’re out of luck.

  6. Get out the popcorn and watch the drama unfold on the street. If you’re after some habanero-hot drama, try the bread aisle at your local ALDI. Contrary to common belief, don’t even bother going to the toilet paper aisle as it’s as dull as the conversation on the tube. Yawn.

  7. Realise that you didn’t stockpile any popcorn so go out and get some.

Ok so now for some legitimate ideas:

  1. Go to the park and practise social distancing. Pick some friends who could pass as family members if you want to avoid having your group dispersed by the cops. Alternatively, just conveniently keep running past them during your daily exercise. Like that throwing and catching game, try and see how far apart you can make it while still maintaining a conversation that consists of more than “What?” “Pardon.” “Say that again!” If it does get to that point, you could always pull a Miranda and yell something truly embarrassing into the abyss and experience the freedom of letting it all out.

  2. Cook some recipes! Make Nadia Lim proud and cook up a scrumptious lasagne or creamy pasta. For all the Poms wondering “Who’s Nadia Lim?” then here’s another one for you: Try cooking up a storm with online cooking classes and recipes from the Borough Market. Alright Gov’na. Now you’re speaking my language.

  3. Go on Skype, FaceTime, Dota or (if you’re cool enough) Houseparty, and catch up with friends and family. Challenge yourself to talk about something other than you know what (or the endless implications of it) for at least 49% of the time. Next time you speak, try and get a new high score of 51%.

  4. Remember to stop and smell the roses (well, not strictly, but do just take a moment to breathe in the fresh air and appreciate a beautiful day).

  5. Keep up with the latest trends and do some Joe Wicks workouts on Youtube. Lift those knees!

  6. Need a culture fix? If you came to London for theatre, don’t despair! Check out Globe Theatre performances or Broadway shows online and keep an eye out for free streaming platform trials popping up all over the show!

  7. People Watch as dozens of buses drive past with one occupant per level. Makes sense…

  8. Waste away hours watching Too Hot to Handle. #guiltynotguilty

  9. Relish the opportunity to live like a Hobbit and enjoy Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Elevenses and Luncheon all by midday!

  10. Learn a new skill. Pick up that guitar collecting dust in the corner of the room, finish the first row of rib stitches that someone started for you many moons ago, or try some expressive art that would give those elephants a run for their money.

  11. Write a blog (even if you never publish it and you are the sole target audience). It’s actually quite fun. All the jokes are catered to you personally!

  12. Relax and switch off. Stop checking the latest updates and videos for a couple of hours and take some time to live in the moment.

  13. Ignore all of the above advice and do what makes you happy! 😊